Dressing in Spain

A mom fabulously dressed for the playground

I am having such fun people-watching here. People seem to enjoy getting dressed in Spain. Overall, they tend to dress up more than in the States- even when wearing jeans and a T, they somehow seem more pulled-together. Maybe everything is ironed, or a woman’s bag matches her shoes or just that the cut of the pants or shirt are more trendy, almost vanguard. I love watching people of all ages- the beautiful dresses that moms put their girls in to play on the playground, the older women perfectly coifed, the heels everyone somehow is able to wear in spite of the tiled sidewalks and steep, steep hills.

Whenever I arrive, I’m always taken aback or puzzled by some trend- mullets on young guys, pants with a super-baggy inseam and skinny legs on young girls… and yet, by the end of the month I find myself thinking: hmmmmm… could I pull that look off back home? (Almost always the answer is NO, especially as I get older), but it’s fun to check everyone out and enjoy the creativity.

One thing I really like is how babies are not limited to pastel shades of blue and pink. There are lots of options available for both sexes here, to the point that I’m sometimes surprised. The other day I was in the baby section of El Corte Inglés, a very popular department store all over the country, and a woman, holding up an outfit, asked the sales lady if it was for a boy or a girl. It was overalls with puffy legs in a deep pink with a white shirt that had embroidery and ruffles on the neck and wrist. I scoffed to myself; of course it was for a girl, but the sales lady and another woman standing nearby entered in debate. “It’s for a boy.” “No, it could be either.” The three finally decided that yes, the outfit could be for either a baby girl or a boy. It has also happened a few times that people have thought Belalu was a boy, even though she was wearing what would definitely be considered “girl” colors and styles in the US. The reason she had to be a boy? Her ears weren’t pierced.

I love these fun differences of cultural perceptions that remind me what I take to be a given, doesn't have to be. It's all in our perception of reality. It's one of the reasons I love to travel- to expand my views and to keep me open-minded.

Siblings

From the start, Essie has been so sweet to Belalu. J would describe him as a "mama's boy," and he was nursing up until two months before Belalu was born. The only reason he weaned then was because my pregnant body couldn't take it anymore, but we joke that when B is weaned, E will likely say "Hey, since she's done, can I get back on that?" Given his very strong attachment to me, we were worried about the effect of another sibling entering the picture. However, he's been an amazing, loving big brother all along.

I am very mindful of their relationship and try to foster one of loving kindness between them. I think parents often unintentionally complicate sibling relationships by promoting competitiveness and/or pigeonholing children into divisive categories that can stick with them well into adulthood and beyond the family dynamic.

Even now, I often tell Essie that his job as a big brother is to protect and take care of his sister. When she's old enough to understand, I will say the same thing to Belalu. I'm using "protect" beyond the physical meaning. I want them to consider themselves responsible for the other (as much as anyone can be). Just as we take care of and love them unconditionally, I expect them to do the same for each other.

I would love to know what other families do to promote a healthy relationship between siblings. It'd be great to hear other ideas/ techniques/ experiences.

Community

Feeling like part of a community is an important piece of identity. We all need to feel like we belong. I am member of several communities; some I sought out, while others I just became a part of due to geography or shared circumstances. All are a part of who I am.

Likewise, I want my children to feel like they belong to various communities. We live in a fairly small town, so they are likely to grow up with a core group of people whom they will have known their whole lives. Some will be close friends, others will be merely recognizable because they have seen them at the same coffee shop year in and year out. Many people will be somewhere in between. They both will also belong to communities of people sharing their love of a particular sport, past time, or interest, and these communities will extend beyond the borders of their town.

I hope that being a part of these different communities will give Belalu a strong sense of identity. It is easier to face challenges in the world when you know you have a stable base of love and support always behind you.

When she was born, the local yarn store in town honored her arrival with a beautiful window display. These are the kind of people she will be surrounded by. This is the welcoming love she will grow up knowing.

Disability

Disability. Such a loaded word. I was talking to a good friend of mine recently about the concept of disability. She has a rare condition that affects all areas of her life, but to look at her you wouldn't be able to tell there was anything up. In her case, because her condition is not outwardly apparent, it is downplayed or dismissed by others. Nevertheless, it makes life much harder for her, and sometimes it would be nice if people could recognize her struggles.

In Belalu's case, it's the opposite. She is no different from other children except for her physical appearance. But because she will look different, she will be treated differently. People will make assumptions about her. They may assume that she will be unable to do things or be surprised when she can. While I hope that she will not consider her condition a disability, others may.

So much of this word, disability, has to do with perception. Of one's self, of others. It's a subject I'd like to explore more.

This Journey of Motherhood

Machu Pichu, Peru 2007

It's commonly said, usually with negative implications, that motherhood changes your identity. I strongly believed this before I had my son, and it was one of the reasons that I wanted to wait until I was 30 before becoming a parent. I figured that I would live my life in my 20s, traveling and finding out who I was, earn my Ph.D. and then settle down to parenthood and promptly lose that self that I had spent so long finding/establishing. I waved out my youth by taking an amazing 40-day trip through four South American countries with a great group of college kids, and then stoically faced what I perceived to be the inevitable decline into middle-age and becoming no longer me, but rather just "_________'s mom".

Of course, I quickly learned that motherhood did not take away who I am. Rather, it enriched who I was, as any significant love will do. I still have the same interests, which I can now share with my children, and it didn't even stop us from traveling. Before he was two years old, Essie had been as far as the Portlands on both coasts and down to Kansas, as well as Puerto Rico, Spain, and Argentina. Motherhood clearly did not slow me down after all.

El desierto de Atacama, Bolivia 2007

Three months pregnant with Belalu in Puerto Rico 2011

When Belalu was born and spent the first 10 days in the NICU, it all felt so surreal. Neither of us have had significant health problems in our family, the pregnancy went fine... we just kept wondering how we ended up there. And as we've spent the past 9 months trying to figure out what is wrong with her, if there's anything wrong with her and are now facing the likelihood that she has dwarfism, I have once again had my perception of who I am challenged.

Before, I imagined that parents of special needs children were somehow more saintly and more patient than the rest of us. I am by no means either of these things. And yet, here we are. On a journey we never expected to take.  Emily Perl Kingsley wrote a wonderful metaphor that describes well the experience of coming to accept your role as a parent of a special needs child, called  Welcome to Holland.

I am grateful to both of my children for helping me become a more wise, loving, tolerant, and patient person. I've still got a long way to go, but motherhood is shaping me into a better person than I ever could have been without them.

Amsterdam, Holland 2006: One of my favorite cities I've visited