Comments with the "m" word

I didn't think it would happen so soon. Both times it took me completely by surprise, as I suppose it always will. Neither was directed towards Belalu, and so were conversations I happened to overhear.  The first time was about two weeks ago. We were at the Y, and it was someone who occasionally watches Belalu in the daycare center there. We were going into the daycare center and she was holding the door open and commented to a guy she knew: "I figured basketball's going on with all you tall guys coming in- I feel like a midget!" Essie had to go the bathroom, so I hustled him in, thinking about how I could approach her about it. But when we came out of the bathroom, she was gone. I thought about it a lot for the next few days. I decided that it was important to talk to her about it, since she could potentially spend time with the kids and may use the word again. Or even use the word in front of her kids and they would think it's ok to use, too. Or what if one or both of the kids had heard and understood? What kind of example would I be setting for them if I just let it go without talking to her about it? So, I wished I had said something. Then, I saw her again a few days later (I don't usually see her so often) and thought about talking to her then, but just didn't. I chickened out.

The second time was last night. E and I went to his first play. It was on campus, and we had a great time. As we were leaving, we passed the student who has dwarfism (I'm guessing it's acon, but I don't actually know), and stopped to talk to her about the show. Then we went further down the hall and E got fascinated with an antibacterial soap dispenser. The hall was pretty much empty, and as I was standing there with him, a group of three guys appeared and one said in a a low voice to the other two, "did you see that midget?" His friend said, "yeah, she's a theater major." They were speaking amongst themselves, she was already gone, but the hall was so quiet I heard them clearly. But again, since it was not a comment I was "supposed" to hear, I didn't say anything. However, my mood immediately plummeted. I was sad the rest of the night. Sad for what I heard them saying about her, and really disappointed at myself for not saying anything.

I'm not a confrontational person. I don't usually talk to people I don't know or intentionally draw attention to myself. If I had been part of the conversation in either case, I would have spoken up immediately. And after the fact, I know I should have said something even though I wasn't part of the conversation, but in the moment I just couldn't get myself to do it. It took me too long to get over the shock of the comment and then formulate how to respond, and by then the moment had passed. In the case of the first comment, though, I actually got a second chance, and I still didn't do anything. I feel like I have let my children down. I'm not setting a good example, and I'm not being Belalu's advocate. I've been unexpectedly thrown into a role that challenges me and my sense of self. Clearly, I have a lot of growing to do.

The End of February...

...finds me trying to recover from two weeks of being sick. I've had it with being sick. I think I had the flu last week, which has since turned into a sinus infection. I just want to go a day without a headache.

I was so fed up, I braved the Dr.'s office this afternoon with both kids in tow. Belalu caused quite the sensation, as she is more and more apt to do when we go places. She was wearing red cowboy boots, which always elicit comments, and people really seem genuinely amazed by her dark hair and eyes in this nordic/germanic region of the country, but I'd be kidding myself if I didn't admit that of course her size was also a big part of her allure. There were several older people standing around as we checked in, and they made quite a fuss over her, so then the women behind the counter had to peer over and look at her, too. One older woman actually said, "Why are you so small?" Someone else said "Oh, she's just a little peanut!" but mostly, they were commenting on her boots or just saying how cute she was. To all comments, I just smiled. I guess because it's still pretty new for me, I feel the need to document these incidents here. And they don't bother me, yet, though as it becomes more common, my reaction may change. I know they don't mean any harm in it, and I still contend that her charm is much more than just her size. I didn't feel the need to provide an explanation.

After that we went to a community drop-in play group for the first time, and I knew several people there and they knew about her condition, but hadn't seen her in a long while. In those cases, people still say "look how big she's getting!" or "wow, she's walking!", but I think it's just what we're conditioned to say when we haven't seen a kid in a while. I don't find it uncomfortable however, probably because I sense the intention is good, and I know it's more about acknowledging the fact that she's older, even if older tends to be associated with bigger at this stage.

Update on Belalu

I don't have anything big to share, but since this blog started because of her, I wanted to bring it around back to Belalu for a minute. She is now 16 1/2 months old. In the past week she has started nodding her head "yes" and shaking her head "no," and generally they appear to coincide with her actual feelings, so I am able to have these very clear, simple conversations with her. "Are you hungry, Belalu?" ...(nods her head)... "Do you want some cereal?"... (shakes her head and points to the fruit bowl: "dat") "Oh, you want a banana?" (nods her head "nana").

Just this little thing is so huge to me. It makes her seem even more like a person than before, when she was a baby. We are having conversations. Actual conversations where meaning is being exchanged, as opposed to those conversations where she will babble something and I mimic her babble back and people give me strange looks because I sound ridiculous. She makes it very easy to understand what she wants; her communication skills amaze me. We have another hearing test on Thursday, and I will be shocked if they tell us that she cannot hear well; she doesn't seem to miss a thing.

My sister asked me today if Belalu gets comments from people about her size. She had taken the kids to the library the other day and there were two girls around her age- one was also 16 months and the other was a bit older. The moms had asked my sis how old Belalu was, but she said it was in the context of how much she was doing and how strong she was. Neither of the other girls could pull out a chair from a kiddie table and climb into it on their own. She said neither mother seemed interested in a competitive way, they just seemed curious. There was a comment about her being a "little peanut," but it was again in reference to her strength and dexterity.

So, I thought about my sis's question and told her that yes, people often comment about her size, but almost always they just seemed amazed by her. And that's a feeling I share. Maybe I am being naive, but when people marvel at her, it seems to me that it's not just because Belalu is small or "looks like a little doll." They are also responding to that amazing ability to communicate- the eye contact, the "hi"s and "bye-bye"s and little waves she gives as she continues on with her explorations, that amazingly winning smile; her dogged determination to go where she wants to, whether it's into somewhere she shouldn't or up on top of a chair or table to reach something mama thought she put out of reach; her habit of patting her belly and squealing with joy; her pointing at something interesting and exclaiming "uh-oh!"... this girl gets attention everywhere she goes, and why shouldn't she? She is amazing.

Comments

The other night we were at a social event for the kids' daycare and Belalu was walking around amongst the parents and kids. At the same time she took a little fall, a woman who didn't see her kind of tripped over her- it wasn't the woman's fault, and she didn't hurt Belalu at all, but later she felt the need to come up to me and apologize again. I told her not to worry, and then she asked me how old she was.
                     "Almost fourteen months."
                     "Oh. Poor thing! She's destined to have to look up at everyone, even other little kids."

I smiled and nodded, and then her daughter, who was about 7 or 8 added,
"It's so cute- she's so little and she walks!"

They were just being nice, I know, but they have no idea how right they were. The mom's words especially struck me as odd- I mean, why would you say destined to look up at everyone? Most kids will eventually grow to be the same height or taller than their peers.

Also, we've been getting a lot of "Oh, she's just like a little doll!" comments lately from strangers.

Sharing Our News with Friends

We have only just begun to tell people about Belalu, because we have only just found out ourselves. I don't really have a set way to bring it up, though many times people will say "She's getting so big!" and I'll laugh and say "funny you should say that..."

Thing is, this is shocking news. Yes, she had complications early on, so many people have been asking all along "is everything ok now?" And I was telling them "yes, it must have just been one of those things. She's totally fine and doing well." And now, the story has changed again.

So, people don't know what to say. I get it. Three weeks ago, I would have had no idea what to say to a friend in a similar situation. Almost everything, though, has been what I needed to hear, because I know it's coming from a good place. Besides some comments I won't even share because I'm sure they were from shock and resulted in temporary stupidity, the only thing that has rubbed me the wrong way is when people say Belalu "is perfect in her own way." It's the last four words that get me. Just stop at "perfect."

What I really don't want people to do is to assume how I feel about Belalu's condition, and react "for me." I don't consider this bad news, so please don't treat it as such. The best thing to do is to ask me how am I feeling, so you can react accordingly. Technical questions are fine, too.