Our Story: Discovering I was pregnant

I had wanted to have kids close in age, but 2011 was going to be a very busy year. We had three overseas trips planned and a trip to the East coast. I was going to be interviewing for a tenure-track position at the university where I had been working on a contract basis since 2005. If things had gone according to the first plan, my second child would have been born at the beginning of Summer 2011, but with the busy year ahead, the second plan was to have him/her the beginning of Summer 2012.

In December 2011, E was still nursing, but it suddenly got very uncomfortable for me. I was nauseous, but not to the point of illness. I just didn't have much of an appetite. My lower back had begun to ache. I was feeling sluggish, but we had just moved E to his own room in a crib and he wasn't taking it well, so none of us was getting much sleep. It was winter, and the cold didn't do much for my exercise motivation. I figured my back hurt because I wasn't getting enough exercise, and I also blamed the lack of exercise on my lack of appetite.

Three months later, we go to Puerto Rico during spring break. I haul out the summer clothes, and I'm dismayed to discover that they are snug. If I overindulge, my stomach is the first place I show it. I was still exhausted, but that was pretty much a common state for me those days with an active toddler, a full-time job, and a dissertation to defend. Then I almost fainted, twice. Suddenly, (yes, really, it took that long) it occurred to us that I could be pregnant. J said it first. I remember exactly where we were in Ponce, PR. I had just left the Music Museum after nearly fainting. It was hot, there was no air conditioning, I could have been dehydrated... I excused it away, but J pointed out that my back was bothering me, my stomach was looking really round, and I was constantly needing to pee. The possibility began to enter my thoughts slightly, but it was still too terrifying to acknowledge.

The first day after returning home, while J was still at work, I took out the other test from the box I had used with E and gave it a try. Positive. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't get ahold of J, who was in a meeting, so I called my sister. She was excited- I was petrified. This wasn't the plan. It couldn't happen this year. I had too much going on. I was on the mini pill and nursing. I couldn't be pregnant. I had an interview later that week for the position I had been working towards for years. I couldn't start a new job by going on maternity leave.

I called my midwife's office and explained that I thought I was pregnant, but that maybe the test had expired and I should get a new one. She asked me what made me decide to take the test, and when I told her all the "signs," she just laughed and told me I was definitely pregnant. We had to schedule an appointment right away, because I didn't know how far along I was. Though December's discomfort did enter my mind, I couldn't believe I would have made it three months without realizing I was pregnant.

In spite of all my logistical concerns, I was actually pretty happy that I was pregnant, since I had wanted my kids to be close in age. Work pressures had forced me to postpone my original plan, but apparently someone else had their own plan, and she wasn't waiting for me to feel "ready" for her. She was coming on her terms. (I have a feeling this is going to be a life-long theme with this girl ;)

Our Story: Introduction

Belalu, May 2012

Around this time a year ago, we were in limbo. We were waiting for an appointment with the geneticist to see if she would diagnose Belalu with a form of dwarfism.  J was pouring over webpage after webpage, trying to determine if she had dwarfism, and if so, what kind. I was trying to stay neutral, waiting to see what a Dr. said before reacting to something that may not have even been true. He would come to me several times a day with medical terminology I had never heard before and couldn't wrap my head around "lordosis" "foramen magnum" "skeletal dysplasia"... My head spun with it all. Then there was the diagnosis. And I began writing here, to sort out my thoughts. However, I never did get around to talking about the year and a half before that: my pregnancy and her first months. I kept meaning to, but just never did. So, now, on the one-year anniversary of learning that Belalu has hydrochondroplasia, I want to do just that. I'll post by stages. I remember first entering the LP world and soaking up every bit of info I could find that could give me some insight into my daughter's condition, so I'm hoping that parents in a similar situation may find this helpful or interesting in some way.

Noticed

Today Belalu's size finally hit me. Her friends are all different ages and sizes, so I never really saw before how small she is for her age. Some friends of ours have a daughter who just turned one recently. They have an older daughter, and when Belalu was born, they gave us a bunch of clothes for her to wear, and then I was going to pass them back for the second daughter after she was born. Now, the second daughter is passing on her clothes to Belalu. They are almost a year apart and are the same size or in the case of pants, Belalu is far smaller than the other child. Most of her pants are size 6-12 right now, but she also still wears some 6 or 9 month ones, and those are the ones that best fit her leg length.   

As an introvert, I like to observe. I don't like to draw attention to myself, especially if I'm out in public or in a group setting. I get very nervous and ineloquent when everyone listens to something I'm saying and stumble around saying whatever comes into my head. I then spend the rest of the day/night rewording in my head everything I said. So, as it becomes more and more apparent to the random observer that Belalu is different, the more nervous I get about confrontations, difficult conversations, a litany of questions; when all I want is for me and my family to go about our business unnoticed. I know I will need to set an example for my children, and I'm really afraid that I'll think of the perfect response or thing to say... five hours after the fact. I don't know how to prepare myself for what's coming, because I don't know what it will be. And it'll likely be when I least expect it. I try to tell myself that humor and equanimity are the best traits to cultivate. So, I'm working on starting there.

Speed Demon

This girl has no fear.

We were at another family's house this evening for dinner, and Belalu found a tricycle in the garage. Her feet could almost reach the pedals, but she had to strain her whole body forward to get there, which would cause the bike to tip over. She didn't care. She kept climbing back on, falling over, getting up, and doing it all over again. No tears, no frustration, just determination and tenacity.

She has also discovered the joy of riding her brother's balance bike. She makes "brrrrmmm, brrrmmm" noises the whole time. He'll be getting a pedal bike for his birthday, which means we'll be able to lower the seat on this one once he figures out the other. I'm not sure it will be low enough for her to reach, but it'll be close.

Look at that face. No fear, I tell you.

Hey there

Making it through the week. Balancing final exams, grading, gorgeous weather, some fun social nights, and of course, the kiddos. So happy spring finally decided to make an appearance!

Pssst...

Good morning! I'm in the middle of a glorious, near-impossible feat. A quiet cup of tea and some Internet surfing for inspiring spring sewing projects. Everyone else is asleep. This never happens. So, while I wait for the snow to melt and savor this rare treat, I wish you a happy, warm spring weekend.

(In her book Elevate the Everyday, Tracey Clark reminds us mothers to not forget ourselves as we document our kids' lives. I'm very guilty of getting lost behind the camera, so I've made a pact with myself to look for ways to incorporate my presence more in our day-to-day photos. )

Happy May!

This is a picture from exactly one year ago today. Hard to believe, since we woke up to snow today. E said "Mama, it's not supposed to be snowing. It's Spring." Don't I know it. Classes were canceled at the local school, but not at the university. It's my last day of teaching this semester. So, very soon I'll be posting Belalu's stats from her 18 month check ups. Give me a day or two.

I did take advantage of the beautiful weekend, though, to get a jump-start on my lawn and garden, so I'm feeling better than my last post.